PLEASE DON'T CALL US MORMONS - LDS Hymn Parody #128

It's been quite a while since I wrote an LDS Hymn Parody.  But because the "Mormon Church" seems to be a bottomless pit of inspiration, it was only a matter of time before something they did or said elicited some new ideas for me.  So when Russell M. Nelson (Rusty, the current profit) revealed this supposed commandment from the Lord banning these evil nicknames, my mind started churning out my latest LDS Hymn Parody, "Please Don't Call Us Mormons."

The fact that it has been decided that calling them Mormons is directly from Satan is interesting all by itself.  As this CNN article points out, what about the "I'm a Mormon" campaign?  Was it a horrible thing then to call them Mormons?  And what about their websites - Mormon.org and LDS.org?  Also, what about institutions with LDS in their names, like LDS Business College or the LDS Hospital, both located in SLC?  The list goes on and on with references to the names Mormon and LDS that have been put out there by the church itself.

It never ceases to amaze me what passes as "important" in the Mormon Church (and yes, I am going to continue to call my former life-long religion by the forbidden name).  Abolishing formerly used "nicknames" has become their latest crusade despite the fact that there are so many urgent issues going on in the world.  Apparently the Lord (and/or Rusty) thinks the rebranding of the church is of utmost importance - much more important than confronting allegations of sexual abuse by "priesthood" leaders, children being forced to participate in private interviews during which they are asked inappropriate questions about sexual matters, the need for humanitarianism efforts for starving people around the world, the use of tithing money for building shopping malls, the fact that people are leaving the church in droves (probably due to the fact that there is so much information about the Mormon Church online - just Google it), and so on.

Apparently the Mormon Church has attempted to ban its nicknames before this.  According to this CNN article, similar efforts were made in 1982, 2001 and 2011.  Interesting that I don't recall this since I was still an active member of the Mormon Church in 1982 and in 2001.  But since I left the church in 2004, by the time 2011 rolled around, I had already been out of the church for seven glorious years.

But this time they seem very serious, particularly since they have already renamed the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, which is now officially The Tabernacle Choir at Temple Square.  But whether Rusty came up with this current campaign all on his own or whether it really came from the Lord is debatable.  One thing is clear, though - the whole thing is ridiculous, and the fact that they want to be taken serious is also ridiculous.

Here is my favorite pic of Rusty (and his lovely wife)... after all, the man needs a little humor and levity.

SO ANYWAY... here is my 128th LDS Hymn Parody, dedicated to the silliness that is "Mormonism."

PLEASE DON’T CALL US MORMONS

Sung to the tune of How Firm a Foundation - #85

1.  Please don’t call us Mormons, an edict from the Lord,
Or maybe from Rusty who must not be ignored.
What more can we say than to you we have said?
Please don’t call us Mormons, please don’t call us Mormons,
Please don’t call us Mormons, just call us Saints instead.

2.  And while we are at it, don’t call us LDS,
We are Latter Day Saints, and that we have to stress.
The name we are called is our focus right now,
Although it seems silly, although it seems silly,
Ignoring this dictum the church cannot allow.

3.  These nicknames upset us, and they offend the Lord.
They came straight from Satan, and so they are abhorred.
So say we are members of God's church on earth,
And we will be happy, and we will be happy,
And we will be happy, for whatever that's worth.

4.  There’s one other mandate you must remember, too,
The word “Mormonism” is also now taboo.
Calling our doctrine "Mormonism" must end.
This need for rebranding, this need for rebranding,
This need for rebranding, we refuse to defend.

5.  And so say the Mormons, revealing God’s command,

The use of the “M word” is now completely banned.
But using a new name does not change the past,
The church is still bogus, the church is still bogus,
The church is still bogus, the final die is cast.

6.  A pig is still a pig even with lipstick on,
And when the sun goes down, we know there’ll be a dawn.
There are certain things that you simply can’t change,
So not saying Mormons, so not saying Mormons,
So not saying Mormons does not make them less strange.

© Diane Tingen
10/23/2018