ExMormon Hymn Book: LDS Hymn Parodies

LDS Hymn Parodies - W

THE WEB OF LIES THEY SPIN

Sung to the tune of Thy Will, O Lord, Be Done – #188

1. When in the depths of questioning,
Deceit apparent from within,
And in my full awakening,
I saw the web of lies they spin.

2. The Mormon Church is fraudulent,
A stack of lies, to my chagrin.
Distressed at all the years I spent
When clear the web of lies they spin.

3. For years, I just denied the lies,
I stuffed it down, just kept it in,
But research made me realize
The massive web of lies they spin.

4. They cover-up and say it’s true
As they skate by on ice so thin
That I knew I must say adieu
Since clear the web of lies they spin.

WELCOME, WELCOME, BRAND NEW MEMBERS
Sung to the tune of Welcome, Welcome, Sabbath Morning, #280

Welcome, welcome, brand new members,
Glad you bought the party line.
Hurry, hurry, drink the Kool-Aid,
Everything will be just fine.
Soon the Bishop will confront you,
Ask you questions, privately,
Pry and prod about your habits,
Nosing in continually.

(Chorus)
Welcome, welcome, brand new members,
Glad you bought the party line.
Hurry, hurry, drink the Kool-Aid,
Everything will be just fine.

Mormonism, unrelenting,
You will not be left alone.
Mormons will be at your doorstep,
Or they will be on the phone.
Pay your tithing, don’t drink coffee,
And of course, no alcohol.
Mind your P’s and Q’s completely,
Or the Bishop soon will call.

(Chorus)
Welcome, welcome, brand new members,
Glad you bought the party line.
Hurry, hurry, drink the Kool-Aid,
Everything will be just fine.

Pay attention to the Prophet,
Just accept his every word.
There are many things confusing,
And some things will seem absurd.
But if you just follow closely
Everything you’re told to do.
You won’t have the time to question
And you just won’t have a clue.

(Chorus)
Welcome, welcome, brand new members,
Glad you bought the party line.
Hurry, hurry, drink the Kool-Aid,
Everything will be just fine.

Do not research independent,
Only read what is approved.
Anti-Mormon propaganda
Is conjecture, can’t be proved.
And of course, you must not linger
Too much on the Internet.
There are many evils lurking
So beware and don't forget.

(Chorus)
Welcome, welcome, brand new members,
Glad you bought the party line.
Hurry, hurry, drink the Kool-Aid,
Everything will be just fine.

The true church, the one and only,
As restored by Joseph Smith.
And although it’s hard to swallow,
Don’t believe it’s just a myth.
It is simple, just don't question,
Just accept what you are told,
Though it's really mumbo jumbo,
Buy the bill of goods we've sold.

(Chorus)
Welcome, welcome, brand new members,
Glad you bought the party line.
Hurry, hurry, drink the Kool-Aid,
Everything will be just fine.

© Diane Tingen, 6/13/2011

WHAT THE HELL?
Sung to the tune of Choose the Right, #239

What the hell? Do they really think I'm stupid?
I can think, and I'm not that naïve.
Not a sheep, and I simply will not follow
The Mormon Party Line and "just believe."

(Chorus)
What the hell? What the hell?
Let knowledge guide your way before.
Loudly yell, what the hell,
And common sense do not ignore.

What the hell? Let nobody drag you under,
Stand up tall, and tell them it’s not true.
Filled with lies, it’s apparent if you research,
Go on the Internet, and get a clue.

(Chorus)
What the hell? What the hell?
Let knowledge guide your way before.
Loudly yell, what the hell,
And common sense do not ignore.

What the hell? There is evidence a-plenty,
Google it, the answers will be clear.
Obvious, the teachings are deceptive,
Do not stay with it because of fear.

(Chorus)
What the hell? What the hell?
Let knowledge guide your way before.
Loudly yell, what the hell,
And common sense do not ignore.

© Diane Tingen, 6/17/2011

WHEN I WAS QUESTIONING
Sung to the tune of Where Can I Turn for Peace? #129

When I was questioning, looking for answers
To all the queries racing through my mind.
When with a wounded heart, seeing the errors,
I finally recognized, no truth I’d find.

The Mormon Church is filled with such deception,
When I examined it, I saw the lies.
Through sordid history to its false doctrine,
It is so clear to me, there’s no disguise.

I know that Joseph Smith was not a Prophet,
He simply made it up, that was his scheme.
He was a charlatan, there was no limit
To what he’d say or do, shyster supreme.

Why did I just believe in Mormonism
When it’s so obvious it is a fraud?
Opened my mind and then, there was a schism,
I knew without a doubt, not Word of God.

Sung to the tune of When Faith Endures, #128

I know the truth, it’s very clear,
The Mormon Church, a false veneer.
For lies are laced throughout it all,
The facts are written on the wall.
For years, I simply went along,
Though deep inside, I sensed it’s wrong.
They say believe, the Lord extolled,

But trust departs when lies are told.

WHEN THE LIGHT WENT ON
Sung to the tune of Let Us All Press On, #243

When the light went on
In my mind, I could see
How I’d been deceived,
It was so clear to me.
That the Mormon Church
Is just packed with lies,
And there is no disguise.

(Chorus)
No truth is contained within the church,
Falsehoods that I found in my research.
It’s so clear now from all that I have read,
All my life I know I was misled.

In the Mormon Church,
They say to just believe,
Do not think too much,
And blessings you’ll receive.
When the Prophet speaks,
If you don’t agree,
Shut up immediately.

(Chorus)
No truth is contained within the church,
Falsehoods that I found in my research.
It’s so clear now from all that I have read,
All my life I know I was misled.

Very gullible
And totally naïve,
I just went along
And tried to just believe.
But until I searched
Independently,
The flaws I did not see.

(Chorus)
No truth is contained within the church,
Falsehoods that I found in my research.
It’s so clear now from all that I have read,
All my life I know I was misled.

WHERE IS THE PEACE DENIAL BRINGS?
Sung to the tune of Sweet is the Peace the Gospel Brings, #14

Where is the peace denial brings
To Mormons everywhere?
Just following as they are told,
Their thoughts they cannot share.

So sad their lives are intertwined
In Mormonism’s ploy.
But sadder still to realize
It strips your life of joy.

The bottom line, your peace of mind
And how you feel inside,
Is tied up in your happiness
And cannot be denied.

To live your life authentically,
And not give in to fear,
Accept the false philosophies
To which they all adhere.

To me, it’s clear the Mormon Church
Is not the Word of God.
It’s nothing but a sham and hoax,
So obvious a fraud.

So difficult to understand
How anyone can stay
Within a church so clearly false
And give their lives away.

To those still trapped within the grasp
Of Mormonism’s ruse,
I hope that you will find a way
To finally get loose.

Because the peace that you will find
When you are finally free,
Is worth whatever it will take,
Just as it was for me.

© Diane Tingen, 5/25/2012

WHERE IS TRUTH IN MORMONISM?
Sung to the tune of Truth Reflects upon Our Senses ‑ #273

1. Where is truth in Mormonism?
Not an ounce is to be found.
You can search from top to bottom,
Find yourself on shaky ground.
Joseph Smith was not a prophet,
Just a con man, through and through.
Not an element of merit,
So apparent it’s not true.

(Chorus)
Mormonism, false religion,
Duping people, right and left,
With its fabricated doctrine,
Of the truth, it is bereft.

2. When I studied Mormonism,
An objective point of view,
Using common sense and wisdom,
Every issue I’d review,
Before long, I saw it clearly,
And I knew it wasn’t true.
But although it wasn’t easy,
As a Mormon, I was through.

(Chorus)
Mormonism, false religion,
Duping people, right and left,
With its fabricated doctrine,
Of the truth, it is bereft.

3. So I hope that all the Mormons
Will look closely at their church.
Study all the church’s doctrines,
Do some reading and research.
Look at independent writings,
Not the ones the church holds out,
And review all of their findings
To remove remaining doubt.

(Chorus)
Only then with eyes wide open
An informed decision make.
Then perhaps they’ll see deception,
And to all the lies awake.

WHO IS THE MAN?
Sung to the tune of Praise to the Man, #27

Who is the man who made up Mormonism?
His name was Joseph, and conning was his game.
He was a shyster beyond all description,
Fraudulent scams are his legacy and shame.

(Chorus)
We can blame Joseph for all the deception,
He is the one who made up all the lies.
Finally I saw through the maze he created,
So glad I finally have opened up my eyes.

Who is the man who bedded Fanny Alger,
Starting the con that polygamy would be?
Yes, that was Joseph, he said God’s commandment
Was that his wives should number 33.

(Chorus)
We can blame Joseph for all the deception,
He is the one who made up this big yarn.
Cover his ass was his main motivation
When Emma caught him with Fanny in the barn.

Who is the man who practiced Polyandry,
Married 11 of other men’s wives?
Joseph again, coercing all these women,
Plotting and planning as he messed with their lives.

(Chorus)
Mormons now praise him, and call him a martyr,
Saying persecution is why he was killed.
But they won’t face that the truth is much different,
Simply a criminal, not as he is billed.

Who is the man who destroyed a printing press
When stories published exposed polygamy?
Yes, this was Joseph, he ordered the burning,
Nauvoo Expositor, demolished violently.

(Chorus)
That is the reason that he was arrested,
That is the reason he was in Carthage Jail.
Armed with a shotgun when the mob attacked him.
So was he a martyr? No, that premise must fail.

Sadly, so much of the lies and deception
Will never dawn on most TBMs out there.
Instead, they buy what they’re told to believe in,
And anything “Anti” they’re told to beware.

(Chorus)
Whatever happened to critical thinking?
Judge for yourself, and you’d see it’s all inane.
Evidence shows it’s just lies and deception,
It would be clear if you’d simply use your brain.

© Diane Tingen, 5/26/2011

WHO’S REALLY THINKING?
Sung to the tune of Who’s on the Lord’s Side? - #260

1. Who’s really thinking? Who?
Within the Mormon Church?
We ask it with concern,
Who’s really thinking? Who?
They simply go along,
Have faith and just believe.
But it is all a fraud,
Who’s really thinking? Who?

(Chorus)
Who’s really thinking? Who?
Within the Mormon Church?
We ask it with concern,
Who’s really thinking? Who?

2. Though Mormonism claims
To be The One True Church,
That claim is fraudulent,
Who’s really thinking? Who?
Just research on your own,
And you will plainly see,
It is a stack of lies,
Who’s really thinking? Who?

(Chorus)
Who’s really thinking? Who?
Within the Mormon Church?
We ask it with concern,
Who’s really thinking? Who?

3. When I began to think,
To really use my brain,
The question would arise,
Who’s really thinking? Who?
The Mormons just accept
Whatever they are told,
They cling to all the lies,
Who’s really thinking? Who?

(Chorus)
Who’s really thinking? Who?
Within the Mormon Church?
We ask it with concern,
Who’s really thinking? Who?

4. The truth has set me free,
For I have walked away,
And now I ask myself,
Who’s really thinking? Who?
The Mormons are not wise
To blindly just accept
The doctrine they are taught,
Who’s really thinking? Who?

(Chorus)
Who’s really thinking? Who?
Within the Mormon Church?
We ask it with concern,
Who’s really thinking? Who?

WHY CAN’T YOU JUST LEAVE THE CHURCH ALONE?

Sung to the tune of God Be With You Til We Meet Again ‑ #152

1. Why can’t you just leave the church alone?

Why do you just keep on bashing

What the Mormon Church is teaching?

Why can’t you just leave the church alone?

(Chorus)

Mormon Church, Mormon Church,
Mormon Church do not besmirch.
Mormon Church, Mormon Church,
Why can’t you just leave the church alone?

2. Why should I just leave the church alone?
Why should I not share my findings
And so many of its failings?
Why should I just leave the church alone?

[Chorus]

Speaking out, speaking out,
Speaking out, that is my route.
Speaking out, speaking out,
Why should I just leave the church alone?

3. Why should I just leave the church alone?
I won’t let them crush my spirit
Or just stick me in the closet!!
No, I’ll never leave the church alone.

[Chorus]

Full of lies, full of lies,
Full of lies, there’s no disguise.

Full of lies, full of lies,
That’s why I won’t leave the church alone.

WHY DO THE MORMONS JUST BELIEVE?
Sung to the tune of God Moves in a Mysterious Way, #285

Why do the Mormons just believe
And swallow all the lies?
It’s hard to think they’re that naïve,
So tight they close their eyes.

It makes no sense at all to me
To simply go along.
Just parroting compliantly
What they should know is wrong.

Why can’t they see that Joseph Smith
Was nothing but a con.
And Mormonism is a myth,
The lies go on and on.

I know without a single doubt,
I’ve sifted through the lies.
So clear when it is sorted out,

For truth, no compromise.

WHY DO THEY BELIEVE?
Sung to the tune of Now Let Us Rejoice, #3

Why do they believe what they’re told without question?
Although it is nonsense, they cling to the lies.
Why don’t Mormons study and find out the answers?
The concept of critical thinking applies.

(Chorus)

Just open your eyes and you’ll see the truth clearly,
Examine it all, the deception is deep.
Important to think for yourself, independent,
Don’t let them corral you like one of the sheep.

Why does Mormonism promote such reliance
On what they are told to believe down the line?
Accepting by faith is a form of denial
When all of the facts with the truth don’t align.

(Chorus)

Just open your eyes and you’ll see the truth clearly,
Examine it all, the deception is deep.Important to think for yourself, independent,
Don’t let them corral you like one of the sheep.

I once was a Mormon, believed without question,
But now that I’ve opened my eyes, I can see
It’s all laced with lies, there is no doubt about it,
And I hope they will all know eventually…

(Chorus)

That looking more closely will help them see clearly
It’s not the true church but is riddled with lies.
If only the members would do their own research,
They would find the truth – there is no compromise.

© Diane Tingen, 11/10/2011

WHY DO YOU QUESTION?

Sung to the tune of Love One Another, #308

Why do you question
True Mormon doctrine?
You say we're lying,
That's your opinion.
You must accept it,
Not so hard to swallow.
Don’t think so much
And simply follow.

Please just believe it,
Why do you research?
Do what we tell you,
This is the true church.
It would be easy
If you would just follow,
Nodding your head,
Uttering “Ditto.”

You’ll feel much better
When you’re obeying.
Reading your scriptures,
And always praying.
Stay off those websites,
They simply aren’t useful.
Enjoy your life
Here in the bubble.

© Diane Tingen, 11/6/2011

WHY THE DECEPTION?

Sung to the tune of Keep the Commandments, #303

Why the deception? Why the deception?
The lies are apparent, of this I am sure.
Look at the history, look at the history,
Ugly and sordid, Why the deception?
The lies are apparent for sure.

WITHIN MY SOUL
Sung to the tune of Be Still My Soul, #124

Within my soul, the questioning was strong,
But still I tried so hard to just believe.
Accept by faith, and try to go along,
Deny the truth, the web of lies they weave.
Within my soul, I struggled with it all,
But now the truth is written on the wall.

Within my mind, it made no sense to me,
To reconcile it all became too hard.
The more I read, the clearer I could see
The stack of lies I knew I must discard.
Within my mind, I know that truth prevails,
And in the end that Mormonism fails.

Within my heart, I know without a doubt
That Joseph Smith created it from scratch.
It’s very clear, I want to scream and shout,
The lies are plain, none of the pieces match.
The truth is there for everyone to find,
All it requires is opening your mind.

Within my soul, I felt a great release
From all the years of being just a sheep.
I felt renewed and finally felt at peace,
No longer trapped, ensnared, deception deep.
Within my soul, tranquility abides,
Serenity, the gift that truth provides.

© Diane Tingen, 10/27/2011

WITH LIES AT ITS CORE
Sung to the tune of The Time is Far Spent - #266

With lies at its core, there is little remaining
To bolster its claims that it is the true church.
Then hasten, ye Mormons, go forward unyielding,
Despite what they tell you, just do some research,
Despite what they tell you, just do some research.

For years, I believed and accepted the teachings,
Whatever they said was the truth, I agreed.
Just followed the doctrine, no critical thinking,
Relying on faith was my ultimate creed,
Relying on faith was my ultimate creed.

But then realized that within Mormonism
Are mountains of lies and deception complete.
I knew in an instant, much more than a symptom,
So clearly I saw it, the fraud and deceit,
So clearly I saw it, the fraud and deceit.

So patently clear, there is nothing redeeming
In holding out lies as though they are correct.
Throughout Mormonism, the members deceiving
With fraudulent teachings, the truth they neglect,
With fraudulent teachings, the truth they neglect.

© Diane Tingen, 5/23/2013

When I first began writing LDS Hymn Parodies, I first began by posting them on my other blog (http://mormonismschism.blogspot.com/), and then decided it would be a good idea for them to have their own dedicated place (with special pages in alphabetical order and all), so this blog was created for that purpose.

Having been born and raised in the Mormon Church, I spent my entire life singing hymns, not only in church meetings but also in various Ward and Stake Choirs (and even in the Southern California Mormon Choir). Ward Choir Director was also my calling for awhile. Since I also play the piano (and learned from a Mormon piano teacher), I also learned to play the hymns, and was Pianist in Primary, Sunday School, and Relief Society. Naturally, playing the piano led to learning to play the organ, and then being Ward Organist for a long time.

So it's no wonder that I have so many LDS hymns stuck in my brain. It amazes me just how many hymns I can still sing from memory. Of course, since I've been out of Mormonism now for over 8 years, it irritates me that I know the words to so many Mormon-themed hymns. So one day, I started making up alternative words - and found it very amusing and extremely cathartic. The first hymn I parodied was "I Stand All Amazed," and since then I haven't been able to stop. So I'm gonna just keep going until I can't think of anymore. But since I apparently have the gift for blasphemy (as my daughter recently told me), that probably won't happen anytime soon.

I hope you enjoy my "spin" on some old familiar LDS Hymn favorites. But if you don't, you're probably a TBM and not an ExMormon like me. Oh, well...

MY EXIT FROM MORMONISM

As a preface to my thoughts about Mormonism (and my exit from my lifelong religion), I would like to share the following quote:

"Well, it's either true or false. If it's false, we're engaged in a great fraud. If it's true, it's the most important thing in the world. Now, that's the
whole picture. It is either right or wrong, true or false, fraudulent or true."

President Gordon B. Hinckley,
Interview, "The Mormons,"
PBS Documentary, April 2007

In essence, after researching the roots of Mormonism, which obviously form its foundation, as well as examining its doctrine in depth, I have concluded that it is a great fraud. Having been born and raised in the Mormon Church, and remaining LDS until my early 50's, facing that realization was very difficult and was not done lightly.

SOME BACKGROUND:
In the Summer of 2001, I went on a Mormon Church History Tour. Before going, I decided to do some research so I would know more about what occurred at the key places when we visited them. But that was the beginning of the end for me as I discovered more and more of the sordid history of the Mormon Church. Soon, I began to realize that Joseph Smith made the whole thing up and that the Mormon Church is built on an enormous stack of lies. Sadly, I also began to realize that I had allowed the Mormon Church to pull the wool over my eyes for a very long time. But even with that realization, it took me quite a while longer to finally break away because of how intricately my life was tied up in Mormonism and how long I had been blinded by the lies Mormonism perpetuates (which, of course, is what they are counting on).

But finally, I did break away - and I have now been Mormonism Free for over 8 years. What I have realized during the ensuing years is that my intellectual curiosity was squelched by Mormonism. Being told to "just believe" and "have faith" was very detrimental to my psyche, particularly since so much made little sense. Trying to rationalize through everything had a negative effect on me as well, making me very confused and uncomfortable. Since that time, I have discovered that these types of feelings are called "cognitive dissonance" (a feeling of discomfort when simultaneously holding two or more conflicting ideas, beliefs, values or emotional reactions). Cognitive dissonance is discussed in greater length in a book I have written, which is coming soon to Amazon.com and Kindle. Since leaving Mormonism behind, I have grown so much and have discovered who I really am - and that is a tremendous gift.

As noted above, a book I have written is coming soon to Amazon.com and Kindle. That book (entitled "Finding My Own Voice: The AHA!! Moments of a Former Mormon Woman") chronicles my very long journey through and away from Mormonism and discussed many of the issues that had plagued me for many years. Also, on my other blog - www.mormonismschism.blogspot.com - you will find some poems I have written about my views concerning various aspects of Mormonism as well as discussions relative to the issues that led to my decision to eventually disassociate myself from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

In sharing my opinions and the information I have uncovered, it is my hope that I can in some small way help others by offering some insights into issues that many Mormons undoubtedly face in determining whether or not their faith has been misplaced.

For those of you who are thinking, "Oh, those Ex-Mormons... they can leave the church but they can't leave it alone," I offer this quote:

"Some of you are probably thinking, "Why don't you just leave them (the Mormons) alone?" So I ask you, if you saw a thirsty man drinking water from a well you knew to be poisoned, would you let him continue to drink or would you guide him to a safe well? ~Christopher Miller

While I'm sure that active Mormons (TBMs) and the Mormon Church itself would be much happier if people who have left the church kept their opinions to themselves, I cannot do that. If I can help one person to see the lies that are laced throughout Mormonism, then I will feel that my efforts have not been in vain.