Wednesday, January 30, 2013


THE ONE TRUE CHURCH.  That phrase has always bothered me, even when I was a TBM.  So rigid and presumptuous.

My late father was very pious and dogmatic about Mormonism, and actually told many people (including my sister-in-law's sister) that if they didn't join the Mormon Church, they were going to HELL.  The man was not known for his tact or diplomacy. 

Since that phrase did bother me so much, and I loved to pull my father's chain, I used to tell him a joke that goes like this:

A man died and went to Heaven.  As he approached the Pearly Gates, he was met by St. Peter who told him he was going to give him a tour of Heaven.  They started walking around, and St. Peter pointed out areas where different people were congregated – saying, “Those are the Catholics, and the Lutherans are over there.  The Presbyterians are over there, and there are the Methodists.  The Buddhists are over there, and there are the Baptists.”
Looking puzzled, the man asked St. Peter, “OK, but who are those people way off in the distance?” to which St. Peter responded, “Oh, those are the Mormons.  They think they’re the only ones here.”
Needless to say, my father didn’t like it when I told him this joke, and it would launch him into a dissertation on “the way things are” during which he would repeat his routine about how, in essence, “Mormons are the only ones going to Heaven, and everyone else is going to Hell.”  After all, he would say, that is what the Temples are for – to baptize and do all necessary ordinances for our dead ancestors who did not accept the gospel (according to the Mormon Church) while they were here on earth.  Then my father would ask me, “Why would the Mormon Church build all those temples and do all those ordinances if it wasn’t for an actual purpose?”  Oh, I don’t know, Dad.  Maybe it’s because they are crazy?

As I got older, I also voiced my opinions about Church doctrine to my father several times.  When I talked to him about my thoughts, he told me that my “liberal attitudes were going to get me into trouble one day.”  At the time when he said that, I thought about responding to that statement, disagreeing with him or telling him more about how I felt, but I resisted the urge since I didn’t want it to appear that I was goading him on or trying to provoke him in any way.  Now I wish I had voiced more of my opinions to him because then at least I would feel that I had expressed myself entirely to him.  Maybe one day, I’ll get the chance to do that in the Afterlife (that is, if I don’t go to HELL since my father will, undoubtedly, be in the Celestial Kingdom – at least, in his own mind).

Simply take out "Restored Church of God" and replace it with
"The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints."
After all, the LDS Church (the Mormons) is

Yeah, right...

So here is my 83rd LDS hymn parody, highlighting that incredibly annoying phrase, "The One True Church."  And I think I'll dedicate it to my late father who, if there is an Afterlife, is most likely turning over in his grave at this point, convinced that his own daughter is going to HELL - or maybe even Outer Darkness.

Sung to the tune of The Morning Breaks, #1
The one true church, the Mormons say,
Interpret truth in their own way.
Deny the facts, the evidence,
Deny the facts, the evidence,
And never use their common sense.
They say have faith and just believe,
So obvious that they deceive.
It was made up by Joseph Smith,
It was made up by Joseph Smith,
The Mormon Church is just a myth.
For many years, I went along
Though deep inside, I knew it's wrong.
But til I did my own research,
But til I did my own research,
I stayed within the Mormon Church.
As I stuck things up on my shelf,
And just denied my real self.
But then I could pretend no more,
But then I could pretend no more,
And so I finally closed the door.
I saw the lies and walked away,
Their twisted game I will not play.
I've seen the facts, unwoven lies,
I’ve seen the facts, unwoven lies,
There simply is no compromise.
A great reward to just be me,
To live my life authentically.
My own instincts I won't betray,
My own instincts I won’t betray
Close off my mind the Mormon Way.
© Diane Tingen, 1/29/2013

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